Desire

I know, I haven’t been on here for over a year.

kinda funny, but the second I sat down to write- the baby woke up. After I spent 30 min trying to get both kids asleep so I could finally have a moment to myself, Journey is screaming lol. I wish I was being dramatic. but yes, this is reality…Making time when I *FEEL* like I have no time.

I am probably *self proclaimed* the worst person with time management. My kids have no bedtime (hahaa working on that), we have no daily schedule, we don’t sit down and eat at certain times & so on. We tend to wake up and go with the flow (thats how I was raised, thats all I know how honestly) so naturally, my girls are the same way. It works for us, we follow Isaiah’s crazy traveling schedule and they have learned to adapt to any situation. Lately, I’ve really been feeling super conscious about how my time is spent, and how much *effort* I put into my walk with God (hence, the terrible time management spiel). Just like any relationship, I must be consistent. I try to make these excuses in my head like “its easier for people who have a schedule because they have a set time for God” or “Its easier for people who have kids who are grown up” (that one might be a little true…but not the point haha) or “If I get up super early before the kids I will be exhausted for wasting the little sleep I get, or better yet one of them will wake up early with me.” Wellllll, that was a lot of complaining. My excuses sound so lame compared to the cross. Thats the reality, the battle in my head that I face all the time…my lame excuses and pitty party, to a beautiful-death conquering -never complaining King. So yes, reality is IT IS hard to find time to sit, read, pray, journal, talk with God, and then write on here- so thats why I haven’t- but Im challenging myself to try harder. To try harder to be better with my little free time (God only needs “little”!) and to try harder to be more consistent in the areas of my life. I have so much to say, so much God convicts me on, so much has happened that I need to write about, so much that Ive learned. One day at a time… 🙂

One question I feel like God keeps asking me is “DO YOU DESIRE MY PRESENCE?” like the deep, I don’t want to move because I know you are with me kinda feeling. Honestly, I felt like for a while now I was satisfied with knowing He was there-but not desiring to know Him deeper..if that makes sense. My walk with God needs to be a continual growth towards Him & His holiness…not slowly sinking back into complacency & life as I know it with a “side of God”. ITS SO EASY!! Easy to fall asleep (spiritually & physically lol) instead of praying, easy to sit on the couch and not do anything for God, easy to walk past people and tell God excuses to why we don’t witness or pray for anyone, easy to put your kids & responsibilities before alone time…easy to do nothing, when the only thing I should be doing is being with Him. When Journey was in the NICU (eh, that’ll be another blog in itself) It was so EASY for me to desire to be with her. 2 weeks of constantly driving back and forth to the hospital, constantly feeling empty without “her” with me, constantly thinking about her-crying-begging God to change things, staying up all night thinking about her-her future, bringing her home, cuddling her etc….and I had this thought, what if thats what I’m supposed to be feeling about God? give or take a few things, but you get the point. Thats true DESIRE. All I wanted was to be with my brand new baby. Does my heart long for God that way? Do I truly feel empty inside if I haven’t spent time with Him? It took me awhile to kinda process it all, to repent for putting dumb meaningless idols before His face, and to beg Him to change my heart. The raw presence of God is the desire of my heart, but it needs to be the ONLY desire.